Is it time to give up doing this to make yourself happier?
At Mental Health Getaway, we do not advocate or promote any particular religion or belief (except the belief in yourself and certain science, which we will discuss later). However, sometimes the religious teachings, or festivals, can have helpful messages for us to learn from or to bring into our consideration.
Last Sunday many of us celebrated Easter in the Christian calendar and we’ve just finished Passover in Judaism. Both festivities are celebrations of new life, or rebirth, hence the giving of eggs. The celebrations traditionally follow a period of fasting, self-denial and giving up luxuries. These rituals are, happily, confined to relatively short periods of time, with an end in-sight. However, many people live their whole life in this way with no let-up; they are self-punishers.
Self-denial and punishment
We’re brought up in a world where we are denied pleasures, freedoms or things that will make us happy if we do something wrong, or if we don’t do things that others wish us to do. Whilst this can be extremely beneficial in society, it can spill over into areas that do not merit this type of behaviour. This can cause us to feel unhappy, anxious, lost, lonely or depressed. It can severely impact our mental health and enjoyment of life. In this way, we can sometimes make life unnecessarily unpleasant for ourselves, and sometimes this also affects those around us.
Whilst it is important to live kindly to others (and ourselves), with morality and within our means, I ask whether it is necessary to continually punish ourselves, especially for the small things? I have strong will-power and a huge ability to reduce my needs, where necessary, however I am also a great master in self-punishment. Sometimes I am aware that I make times hard because I don’t allow myself to do certain things that I know will make life more comfortable, happier, more pleasant or even just more bearable. It’s something I’m working on. What is it that you’re self-punishing with?
Reward
Denial, or delayed gratification, and later reward can help motivate us to do, or feel, good. It can make the reward feel so much stronger by activating our dopamine reward system. It also has positive outcomes in life. Studies involving delayed gratification show those able to delay reward have more positive outcomes in terms of educational attainment, finances and physical health, and less criminal convictions and substance abuse [1]. However, there is a fine balance between motivating oneself, or self-regulating, and unnecessary self-punishment. We will leave up to you the decision as to where this boundary lies. It may be helpful to remember this when going about certain aspects of life that have no negative impact on others, and could be extremely beneficial for you.
Impact
It is worth remembering our impact on others. Is your dissatisfaction with a current situation hurting someone else, either directly or indirectly? Do you need to make a change that would be for the greater good, in the longer term? At the very least, making a change to stop self-punishing is likely to make you happier, which will mean you’re also easier to be around!
We’re not talking about letting yourself eat biscuits and chocolate all the time, or skipping that workout, as these have a longer-term negative impact. We’re also not talking about doing something amoral. We’re only wanting to draw your attention to where you could be being kinder to yourself to make life easier, happier or more palatable. This will ultimately improve your outlook on, and enjoyment of, life, and make things easier for those around you.
For example, do you feel stuck in a job you’re not enjoying but aren’t making the changes you need to feel better? It might be big changes, like seeking a new job altogether, which can feel overwhelming and unmanageable. Or it might be something small like making yourself more comfortable in the shorter term. Like last week, when I had to work late, I brought my laptop downstairs to my sitting room, stoked a roaring fire in my log burner, made a cup of tea, covered myself in blankets and got comfortable for a late one. It made for a much nicer experience than working in my chilly office, sat in front of a dark window without my usual daytime view. It felt less of a punishment and I woke up the next day feeling happier. I don’t recommend working late and try not to do it anymore, but sometimes things need to be done to move us forward.
Resurrection
Easter symbolises the end of self-denial or punishment and the start of new life, in the resurrection. What is it that has not been serving you that you will end? Or what have you been self-punishing with, and how will you resurrect life and start anew? What is it that you need to do to move yourself forward to a place of greater happiness? How can you make life feel better? If it’s a bigger change you need, we guide you through how to do this on the Getaways, or in our 1-2-1 consulting, to make it easy and even enjoyable.
Whatever it is, this Lent and Easter, we encourage you to try to self-punish less, where it isn’t helping you, and make yourself that little bit more comfortable. We promise this will have a great impact on your sense of wellbeing. If it’s a big change you need to make, remember the things that are worth doing are never easy, and the pay-off is huge.
“Anything worth having don't come easy and anything that comes easy is usually not worth having.” Zig Ziglar, American author, salesman, and motivational speaker.
I will leave you with an interesting article from the Manchester Evening News (here). It applies to both the subject of when to change your job, and also extrapolates well into all relationships including that with your boss, partner or other people in your life.
If you’re not happy now, the worst case is that you’re still not happy once you’ve made that change, but what if you’re happier!? Be kind to yourself.
Happy Easter / Passover. 🐣
Well wishes,
Andie. x
[1] A gradient of childhood self-control predicts health, wealth, and public safety, Moffitt et al, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), 2011 Feb 15; 108(7): 2693–2698