Social environment: relationships – it takes a village!

A significant aspect of our social environment, and how it affects our mental health, is our romantic relationships.  Whilst some of us have recently celebrated St Valentine’s Day, a day to recognise our romantic partner, some emotional partnerships are not at all romantic and may be borne out of need, desire, lust, friendship, connectedness, support, respect or mutual understanding. I think we often expect our partner to provide all of these things but in reality, it’s not possible to have it all in one person, and all of the time; it is unfair to expect it. We must compromise on what we require from our partner and then look to friends and other relationships for what is missing. It does indeed ‘take a village’.

Needs, wants and offers

I’m thankful to a person who recently highlighted to me the notion of ‘needs and wants’ when it comes to our relationships and chosen partner. I had never looked at relationships in that way before. It is helpful to understand ourselves well enough to know what it is that we need in our relationships and what it is that we want, and then this helps us determine what aspects we can compromise on. I recommend doing a little exercise by writing out 2 columns, one of needs and one of wants.  Keep it concise though; 3-5 things each!  If you’re in a relationship, I suggest checking off what you’re currently receiving and evaluating whether this is satisfying you.  This will help you to review your current situation. Or why not reflect on a past one, which will help you see where it may have fallen down?

Relationships aren’t all about receiving though, they must be equally about what we can offer.  Giving the needed and wanted things of your partner, in the right way, so that they can be easily recognised and appreciated is the key to a happy, fulfilling relationship.  You could be giving until you’re exhausted and still not be appreciated because your partner may not value what it is that you can, and do, give.

Love languages

Love languages are really critical here and I recommend the book ‘The Five Love Languages’ written by Gary Chapman, in which he describes the 5 different ways in which people express their love for each other.  The love languages are:

1)      spending quality time together

2)      words of affirmation

3)      physical touch

4)      acts of service

5)      gifts

I recommend working out what is/are your love languages.  You may have 2 primary ones, but for many of us each of the 5 has some importance.  Importantly, it is helpful to work out those of your partner and then practice ‘speaking’ these languages to each other.  If you are unsure of what are your, or your partner’s, love languages, I would encourage you to do this quiz to identify them.  Note that these can change over the short and long term and it is always worth reviewing these on a regular basis.

Man cave

An important part of a relationship is not just time together, but time apart too.  I believe this is often missing in many relationships.  I don’t believe it is healthy to depend solely on one person for everything.  Again, it takes a village!  I also believe all humans need at least some time alone.  And nowadays, as we carry work in our pockets and can never truly get away, down-time is even more critical.  All humans should have a safe space to getaway to where we will not be disturbed, especially by each other.

This is where a ‘man cave’ (or woman cave, or other identity) comes in.  John Gray, who wrote the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and the more modern Beyond Mars and Venus, advocates this notion.  He claims that men and women are wired differently, according to our sex hormones.  Note that this is not intended to discriminate against the non-binary as we are all on a spectrum, however it is a model that helps us to understand each other.  He notes women’s need to be heard, understood, helped, protected and provided for.  He discusses men’s need to be needed, useful, trusted, respected and appreciated.  These may be different from the needs and wants of our individual partners, as discussed previously, and from our love languages, but often they are the same.

Whilst the workplace stimulates testosterone in both sexes, Gray says that women often find this increased testosterone level stressful as it pulls us away from our natural hormonal profile of being dominant in oestrogen and progesterone.  On the other hand, men thrive off it, which is positive, but also demanding on a man.  He goes on to say that women need to finish work and offload their stressful days to a partner by talking about it, and be heard, understood and empathised with by our partners.  However a man needs to come home, retreat and decompress, often best in a ‘safe space’ that he can retreat to: the man cave.

Knowing this, and how we personally are wired (because we’re all on a spectrum), can have remarkable effects on our mental health and the resilience of our relationships.  If you don’t already do this, maybe you could try it?  Gray does suggest that the best way for this to work in a heterosexual relationship is for the man to put aside his needs temporarily so that he can ensure his partner is heard and understood about her day, and then to retreat to his man cave, where the woman must understand his need for space.  It is this time that the woman should take to get back into her feminine, or destressed, energy using such things that are calming to her such as yoga, reading, crafting, a bath etc.

Satisfaction

In a ‘needs, wants and offers’ model of relationships, the needs are a ‘must’, a basic foundation on which to build a relationship.  If they are not met, the relationship is not going to work.  The ‘wants’ in this case would be the ‘nice to haves’ and anything else would be the cherry on the cake.  However, having done the work to identify our needs and wants, we must ask whether our partner is able to offer and satisfy them; is it enough?

A relationship in which we feel unfulfilled is one that does not meet sufficiently our needs and wants.  Again, we have to remember we must compromise, but we need to get clear on what it is we are willing to compromise on.

In Gray’s model, feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, unheard, unseen, not helped, not supported, not needed, unappreciated, not trusted or not respected will likely cause the relationship to fail.  In an unhappy relationship, in order to decide how to move forward, we recommend using our Change Tree model, which we will cover in our Building Block no. 3 for Mental Health: ‘Toolkit’.  This is because not moving forward leaves us stagnant, whilst all around us is changing.

“not moving forward leaves us stagnant, whilst all around us is changing”

Change

We’ve briefly touched on the fact that things are never standing still, and neither should we.  Hopefully, if we are fulfilled and happy individuals, we will be learning, growing and moving forward; this is Building Block 5: Pursuit, which we will discuss later.  However, if our partner is not moving forward with us, or is not able to learn, grow and adapt themselves, then this can create a divide between us that becomes ever-more obvious.  Often so much time passes before we realise this, and are able to take action, that this difference becomes a chasm and there is no going back.  In this situation, many feel time has been wasted in an unhappy relationship and are resentful at its eventual, inevitable failure.

Mental health

Clearly, healthy, positive, supportive, communicative, appreciative, respecting, trusting, acknowledging, encouraging and empathetic relationships lead to better mental health in humans.  Unhealthy relationships, or ones in which we feel unfulfilled, unappreciated, unheard etc can lead to poor mental health and us feeling stuck.

What needs, wants and offers do you have and what could you do to fulfil them?  Is it time to move forward in a relationship by assessing this, communicating with your partner about it and then applying the Change Tree Model, which will help you decide whether or not it’s time to try something new in your relationship or move on.  When we look at the Change Tree Model, we will see that we definitely shouldn’t give up too easily, but we also should be aware that, in an ever-changing world with a hopefully evolving partner and relationship, the status quo is never a long-term option.  We won’t know if we don’t try at all!

Many people feel they need to be in a relationship to feel happy, or meet their needs, however if this relationship is in some way toxic to your mental (or physical) health, or is not fulfilling, it can be far better to be single and look for support elsewhere; remember the village?  So what other support can we look to?  Friends, family, therapists/counsellors can all help.

Well wishes,

Andie. x