Today’s question is not ‘what’, but ‘WHO’!? 🤷♂️
I can’t believe how quickly the weeks are flying by! Last week we took a hiatus to welcome in the Spring, new beginnings, fresh starts and hope. The week before we discussed one of our tools in our Toolkit, being talking therapy. We mentioned a potentially more accessible, or better version of talking therapy for some. So this week we will continue where we left off and discuss talking with those around us. This might be friends, family or other non-professionals. This loops back nicely to our Building Block for good mental health: social environment.
You may want to talk to someone else because you find professional talking therapy unaffordable, or unavailable, or as we said previously, it might not have been helpful for you.
If we feel unable to use official talking therapy with a professional, for whatever reason, then speaking to those around us is a great alternative. It may actually be preferable, or more beneficial. You may trust someone else more, maybe because they’re closer to you, know and care for you or understand you better. It could be more beneficial because having someone who knows and loves you to actually hear you, and be aware that you’re struggling, can be all that you need. Telling someone in your life that you’re dealing with some things allows them to be more aware, empathetic and considerate.
Casting a wider net
On the other hand, you may not have close relationships with family, friends or other people and you may find talking to a complete stranger, someone to whom you are anonymous, more comfortable. There are many mental health resources available now, and you can find some of these on our website here, or on a search engine. Whoever you talk to, we encourage you to reach out.
Don’t assume
Often we assume people in our lives are ok when they are anything but ok. Many male friends of mine have recently started to check in with each other by simply asking how they are doing out of 10. It gives them a way to open up the topic and an opportunity to discuss why if needed or wanted. We will come back to this in later discussions.
Test the water
With all these things, we recommend testing the water first and choosing your audience appropriately. We must find someone with the capacity to understand us. Speaking to the wrong person, or going about it in the wrong way, can be more detrimental than helpful and leave you feeling more isolated, misunderstood, lost or alone. For example, hearing a loved one is suffering can be overwhelming for some people, or hard to understand. They may not know how to respond, or may not react in the way you hope or intend.
Depending on your personal circumstances, you may want to take your time to open up, rather than express it all at once. If the person you have chosen to talk to isn’t as responsive as you would like, or in the way you’d like, it might be better to try someone else, or chat to them about how you’d like them to respond and support you.
Changing the way we do things, speak and respond to people isn’t easy, and for some this level of self-awareness is impossible. People have formed habits and are often unaware of their language, behaviour and impact, and therefore we recommend caution in this approach.
We also recommend choosing your timing and the location wisely. Perhaps you could request time with the person when you can have a proper chat without distraction from mobile phones, work, children, pets and other responsibilities.
Terminology
When broaching the subject, you may find it easier to use different terminology than the words ‘mental health’ as they may be better understood or received. You could use words like worried, troubled, frustrated, frightened, confused, anxious, unhappy, down or low, as examples.
Express your needs
Expressing what you’re going through, and importantly what you need from the person, sets them up to be able to help you. However, we do not recommend putting too much on one person, and especially a partner; remember it takes a village. Putting too many demands on one person, and especially a romantic partner, can be irreversibly damaging to a relationship. Maybe there are certain things you need to talk to your partner about, such as aspects of the relationship, or how your mental health is currently affecting the way you show up in your partnership. However, there will be many other things that can be discussed with family members, friends, a manager, professionals or even your hairdresser/barber or someone else less involved (take your pick)!
When asking for what you need, be clear with them. This might be understanding and acceptance, unwavering support, unconditional love, words of encouragement or it might be practical help like finding the right assistance for your mental health, or with day-to-day tasks like making meals, taking the children to school or your workload.
Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to get started, so we have made some suggestions here:
“I wanted to talk to you because…”
“I’ve been feeling/thinking…”
“I just want you to know that…”
“I am having a hard time with….”
“I would appreciate your support/understanding/empathy/encouragement with…”
Consider the other person
It is also important to find out if the person you are asking is able to support you. If they are not, accept their answer and any reasons given and move on to ask someone else. Remember the question is not what can’t you do, but what can you do, both with respect to yourself and the person or people you’re asking for support. Also, remember that you may not have to return the favour right now, sometimes giving appropriate recognition and appreciation is all that is needed in the moment, until you feel stronger.
We hope this has been helpful. We know that not everyone is blessed with many people around them, or the affordability of professional talking therapy. If this is the case, please reach out to the groups on our resources page. The most important thing is that you know you are not alone.
Until next time…
Well wishes,
Andie x